You won’t realize you’re dating a narcissist˳ Narcissists are exceedingly skilled at making you like them˳ They can be alluring, charming, and exciting to date˳ In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see through their likable veneer˳ In a dating situation, a narcissist has a greater incentive to win you over-sadly, sometimes all the way to the altar˳
Narcissists are never boring˳ They’re often physically attractive, charismatic, and sexually appealing˳ We’re drawn to their intelligence, entertaining personality, special talents, or professional success˳
Dating as a Game
Although some narcissists seek long term relationships, others are expert game-players˳ To them, “The chase is better than the catch˳” Their objective is to receive admiration and get their sexual needs met with little emotional investment˳ Relationships are considered transactions and work for them as long as they’re getting their narcissistic supply˳ The closer you get, the more they equivocate˳ They want their options open with multiple sources to meet endless needs for supply˳ They check out other prospects and flirt right in front of you!
Although narcissists lack empathy, they possess emotional intelligence that helps them perceive, express, understand, and manage emotions˳ This enhances their expertise as manipulators˳ They’re skilled at deception to achieve their aims, sometimes consciously, but at other times, it’s just their style˳ They may even believe they’re being sincere˳ Although in reality, they’re self-centered and emotionally unavailable, initially they may be generous and good listeners˳ They may even appear to be vulnerable by sharing personal, intimate information˳ This is a tactic of their seduction strategy˳ Among their manipulative tactics are flirtation, flattery, and finesse˳
Women narcissists are flirtatious and can charm men with their beauty and sex appeal˳ Then they play cat and mouse, make them jealous, or act nonchalant to hook men into pursuing them˳ Male narcissists often seduce with lavish gifts, fine dining, and a classy lifestyle˳ Some narcissists practice love-bombing and shower their partners with attention verbal, physical, and material expressions of “love” that are hard to resist˳
Dating Revolves Around the Narcissist
It’s natural to idealize our partner in the romantic phase of a relationship˳ Unfortunately, for those of us who are lonely, depressed, or codependent, idealization can feed our denial of red flags that should caution us to put on the brakes˳ It’s also natural when falling in love to want to spend a lot of time with our partner˳ We may appreciate a man planning a wonderful evening or a woman who knows what she wants, and we’re happy to go along˳
We don’t notice that the relationship is developing on the narcissist’s terms˳ Whereas we seek to please, to them, compromise is a painful loss of power˳ If we complain, they may act offended and say they’re doing everything for us, but never bother to ask what we want˳ They like to be in control, and before we know it, we’ve allowed them to control when, where, and what we do and with whom˳ At the start, we go along for the sake of being together, but later out of fear˳ This is particularly perilous for codependents who easily give up themselves and their friends and activities in new relationships˳
A corollary codependent behavior is not objecting to the narcissist’s decisions and opinions˳ In the early stages of dating, we might not express anything that could negatively impact the relationship in order not to rock the boat˳ When we hesitate to disagree and not express disappointment, irritation, or hurt feelings, we gradually disappear, and like Echo, we only echo what the narcissist believes and wants to hear˳ We’re not letting him or her know the negative impact of their behavior˳ So they have no incentive to change˳ Accommodating a narcissist feeds their supply and makes codependents and narcissists a perfect match˳
What to Look For
Of course, it’s their positive, not negative, qualities that make us fall in love, but if we’re dating someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, they won’t be able to hide their true colors for long˳ Some narcissists openly admit they have difficulty with relationships or intimacy˳ Believe them˳ Even clients who say their spouse completely changed after the wedding, admit that there were telltale signs early on, once they learned more about narcissism and themselves˳ For example, narcissists often come on strong˳ They work hard to make you like them in order to get their needs met rather than build a relationship based on knowing you, which doesn’t interest them˳
It’s common for narcissists to have outbursts of anger˳ A small disagreement can quickly erupt into a major conflict˳ They won’t take responsibility˳ Everything is someone else’s fault, and that includes us˳ But even if they treat you wonderfully, notice if they denigrate their ex, act entitled, or are inconsiderate, manipulative, or demeaning of other people˳ Assume one day you will be on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse˳ Don’t excuse bad behavior toward you or other people˳ It’s a pattern˳
In the beginning, we’re fascinated hearing their achievements and listening to their stories and entertaining banter˳ This is also how narcissists elevate their status in their eyes and ours˳ As time goes on, it’s clear that the conversation is all about them˳ Being a good listener is an asset, but with a narcissist, it ensures that we won’t be heard or seen˳ Some narcissists are dogmatic to maintain superiority˳ They always have to be right and won’t listen to a differing opinion˳ If we’re honest with ourselves, they don’t really seem interested in us, except long enough to get their sexual and emotional needs met˳ Notice if you feel disengaged, invisible, patronized, or drained by the conversation˳
When a narcissist can no longer maintain a superior status through charm and boasting, or should we complain, a narcissist will devalue us to feel superior˳ They find fault with us or tell us how we should act, dress, eat, or change in some way˳ Perfectionistic narcissists are the most difficult˳ For example, a narcissistic woman might try to makeover her man and tell him how to dress˳ A male narcissist might focus on his girlfriend’s physical appearance˳ If we express hurt, narcissists will say that they’re being helpful or that we’re too sensitive˳ At first, we might overlook criticism, especially if it’s delivered in a teasing or calm manner and we’ve been abused in the past or have low self-esteem˳ In time, demeaning remarks will become more frequent, overt and callous˳
When control is extreme, narcissists might interrogate us about our other relationships and conversations with family, our therapist, and friends˳ They might insist we dress and behave a certain way and try to limit our contacts and activities˳
A true narcissist lacks empathy˳ We end up feeling that we don’t matter and that our needs and feelings are unimportant˳ If when we share something sad or important to us, our partner doesn’t show appropriate emotional responses, it may signal a lack of empathy˳
Relationships with narcissists are challenging for codependents because the symptoms of codependency present obstacles to discerning these warning signs˳ There are multiple reasons why we might still love an abuser and find it difficult to leave˳ This may be because we have an abusive parent or narcissistic mother or father who didn’t value our needs and feelings˳ Healing codependency will help us change these relationship dynamics so that we’re able to receive real love˳
© DarleneLancer 2020
Source by https://ezinearticles˳com/?Dating-a-Narcissist&id=10322533
