The prevalent hedonistic culture in the world today, convinces people that the pursuit of personal pleasure outstrips all other considerations˳ Fidelity in marriage has become a casualty˳ Marriage which was considered the building block of society and bound two people together in a physical, mental and emotional oneness, is now merely a minority concept˳
A good marriage doesn’t happen automatically˳ It involves commitment, acceptance, and mutual respect bonded together with love˳ Spouses set themselves apart from all others, and give themselves exclusively to each other˳ A good marriage is based on the “reciprocity principle˳” Partners, who have pledged to love each other ’till death do us part,’ must work at it actively and continuously˳ There is no casual leave or vacation written into the contract˳
What do we mean by Fidelity? It is the quality of reliability and trustworthiness to one’s partner˳
“To be faithful is not a favour you bestow on your spouse˳ It is a privilege to bless yourself with, says Michael Cohon˳
The world is in the grip of a sexual revolution˳ Sex, sexual exploits, sexual prowess are recurring themes that bombard us through both the print and electronic media˳ Personal pleasure and self fulfillment are characteristics of the New Morality˳ Infidelity is glamorized˳
“Do what you want to,” is the slogan of Individualism˳
A recent study done in the US, shows that 30% of women and 40% of men have been unfaithful to their spouses at some point in their marriage˳
The weakening of religious and social restraints, the easy availability of sex, permissive legislation have all contributed to the rise in infidelity˳
Temptation is a gradual process, which first begins in the mind˳ Suggestive articles, movies, books or magazines initiate lustful thoughts˳ Thoughts turn to desire and desire to action˳ Even a one-night stand doesn’t happen suddenly˳ It is preceded by unworthy thoughts˳
“An affair may be an indication of marriage malfunctioning,” says Linda Wolfe˳
There are three main reasons for malfunction˳ The first is Emotional Immaturity˳ In a stable marriage, spouses honour and validate who the other person is˳ When one partner is selfish and self centred, and unwilling to make a total commitment, the marriage becomes unstable˳ Someone who has lived a very pampered life, doted on by parents, and used to having his own way, never really grows up˳ He is incapable of giving or receiving love or trusting others˳ Such a person may flit from one affair to another˳ The “Paris Hiltons” of this world are examples of such emotional immaturity˳
James Goldsmith (Jemima’s father) was also one such, who had countless affairs˳ Even after marriage to Lady Annabel his third wife, he did indulge in an extramarital affair˳
“When you marry your mistress you automatically create a job vacancy,” he said˳
Many young people enter marriage with all kinds of expectations˳ They believe that marriage will meet all their needs, and is one long state of love and romance˳ They anticipate no quarrels or disagreements; that sexual pleasure is an indication of the stability of marriage; or that children will create an inseparable bond between parents˳ But when they realise that the practical realities of every-day living are quite daunting, they look elsewhere for the fulfillment of their needs˳
Unmet needs bring about frustration and disillusionment˳ When couples don’t enjoy each other’s company, don’t like doing things together, or going out by themselves, boredom sets in and life gets stuck in a rut of ordinariness˳ Lack of communication or mental stimulation leads to emotional dissatisfaction˳ A woman feels let down when she receives no emotional support from her husband˳ He never compliments her on her looks or attire, and does not thank her for the food she has prepared˳ This may spill over into the bed room˳ Sex is not merely physical˳ There is psychological and emotional involvement too˳ When her needs are not met, sex becomes an unpleasant chore˳
Husbands too can be put off by nagging wives, or ‘clinging vine’ types who lack initiative˳
The basic needs of every human being are Affection and Appreciation˳ It can be conveyed through a glance, a word, a smile or a kiss
Acceptance of the spouse as a person is important˳ Many problems arise when one partner tries to change the other, and squeeze him /her into a mould of one’s choice˳ Even in marriage it is important to maintain one’s own identity and values˳
“When a man and a woman are able to respect and accept their differences, then love has a chance to blossom,” says John Gray˳
Husbands and wives should also be each other’s best critics˳ Tactful and loving criticisms done in a non-judgemental way are sure to strengthen relationships˳
Admiration is a big ego booster˳ Appreciating the virtues, achievement and capabilities of the partner in his role as husband or father, his patience, his courage and dependability, makes a man want to do better˳
“I can live for two months on a good compliment,” said Mark Twain˳
Similarly a woman’s self confidence depends to a certain extent on her husband’s estimate of her˳ She needs to be nourished and cherished with praise and appreciation˳
Sexual appetite they say is second only to hunger˳ J˳ Robert Whitehurst wrote in the Journal of Sexual Behaviour that “All men from the first day of marriage think about the possibility (of extramarital encounters)………˳˳Although these tendencies diminish in later middle life and beyond, they never entirely disappear or vanish in normal men˳”
Sexual dissatisfaction is a symptom of marital discord˳ One partner may be frigid, or the other may suffer from erectile dysfunction˳ Sex may become so routine when partners refuse to acknowledge each others needs˳ As Esther Pirot says, “Bedroom familiarity breeds contempt˳”
While a woman is stimulated in an emotional environment, a man’s interest is more about sexual excitation˳ Romance just fades away, and the entire exercise becomes mechanical and devoid of feeling˳ Dr˳ Albert Ellis describes this as “Healthy Adultery˳”
A prominent Divorce lawyer says that in 90% of cases, divorce begins in the bedroom˳
When one partner turns down a mate for sex, it is a painful experience˳ The partner feels rejected˳ Men especially begin to look elsewhere to satisfy their unfulfilled desires˳ Dissatisfaction is a preliminary to infidelity˳ The “trapped syndrome” makes them want to flee the boring marital bed˳
Even the Bible counsels, “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband; the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife˳ Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, except for prayer˳ Then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control˳”(1Cor 7:4˳5˳)
Long distance marriages also lead to infidelity˳ Prolonged absence does not make the heart grow fonder˳ It may drive them apart˳
The term “Managed Monogamy” is a new word added to the Manual of Infidelity˳
Here spouses have extramarital affairs while being in a marriage, by mutual consent˳ There’s nothing clandestine about it˳ They even discuss their affairs and have a laugh˳
Unresolved Conflicts can also lead to infidelity˳
Careers and jobs today are so demanding that couples don’t find time to speak to each other˳ Instead they form relationships at work˳ A wife who is housebound feels neglected when her husband is preoccupied with his career˳ Her loneliness and frustration may goad her into an affair˳
A husband unemployed for long period can be nagged at or belittled by his wife˳ This may drive him into the arms of another sympathetic woman˳
Financial Problems either due too poor salaries or extravagant life styles, or large families lead to constant bickering and dissatisfaction in the home˳ It could trigger infidelity˳
In-laws can sometimes drive a person to desperation especially when there is no support from the partner˳ The aggrieved spouse might look for support elsewhere˳
Domestic Violence, repressive husbands, nagging wives or wives obsessed with order and cleanliness are also causes for infidelity˳
Economic freedom of women has given them power and opportunities to have fun elsewhere˳
A newspaper item said that women are more inclined to cheat in love than men˳ The ratio stands at 40% as against 34% males˳
Unfulfilled goals in life often create frustration and irresponsibility, which can also lead to infidelity˳
There are three types of infidelity˳
– The one night stand or the one-time affair, like Boris Becker’s quickie in the broom cupboard in a London restaurant˳ It cost him his marriage and a chunk of his fortune˳
– It may be a short term relationship˳ But too many of these short affairs could destroy one’s marriage and lead to depression, say psychologists˳
– Others have parallel marriages with two wives and two families˳ Many of the Bollywood (Mumbai) actors are into such relationships˳
The common reaction of aggrieved spouses when confronted by the infidelity of their partners is almost similar to what one experiences when a partner dies˳ Surprise, denial, anger, disappointment and eventually acceptance follow˳
Denial is a defensive mechanism by the aggrieved spouse even when the signs are glaringly evident˳ Husbands sometimes purposely leave clues like hotel receipts or lipstick on the collar because it brings them relief from guilt˳ But many wives pretend that all is well and refuse to confront them˳ This “ostrich syndrome” is a way of coping˳ But it eventually leads to depression, insomnia and sometimes suicidal tendencies˳ A wife, who has no other economic means of support covers up a partner’s guilt, thereby condoning his infidelity˳
Anger is a common reaction˳ Angry words, refusal to do normal domestic chores, withdrawal of conjugal rights, or running off to Mother, are some of the ways women show their anger˳ Sometimes fights ensue˳ The husband is angry with his wife for driving him to infidelity˳ The wife who is betrayed is angry at being let down˳ There is a breach of trust which psychiatrists call ‘psychic injury˳’
At times a woman may retaliate by saying “If he can do it, I can do it too˳” Imitating the wrong doer is like being controlled by the errant spouse and is counter productive˳
Anger can sometimes be directed at one’s self for not being able to make a success of marriage, or at the spouse for not meeting her needs, or at God for allowing such a situation˳
Revenge is a fatal reaction˳ Inflicting physical injury or throwing acid on a lover’s face is becoming quite common these days˳
When Peter the Great discovered the affair his wife was having with William Mons,
(Gentleman of the Bed Chamber) he had the man decapitated˳ The head was preserved in a bottle full of alcohol and kept in the Queen’s bedroom˳
Many women with poor self image blame themselves for their husbands’ infidelity˳ They feel they have not lived up to their husbands’ expectations and have driven them into the arms of other women˳
Some like to force a solution immediately, without waiting for any explanation from the errant spouse˳ The decision to split is taken immediately, leaving no room for reconciliation˳
Marriage is a relationship that has to be built over the years, with love and deep commitment to each other˳ Infidelity is a breach of trust that leaves the offended spouse deeply hurt and betrayed˳ An affair is a crisis that must be tackled calmly˳ Facts must be sorted out from rumours or suppositions˳ It is possible for wrong conclusions to be drawn from innocent gestures˳
Partners who communicate well with each other and periodically conduct a marital audit will be able to sort out major or minor conflicts˳ No one is infallible˳ Mistakes are possible but confession must come quickly, and remorse should be rewarded with forgiveness˳ The incident thereafter should be laid to rest and not recycled with every argument˳ Spouses must love “in spite of” the other’s faults˳
“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers,” says Robert Quillan˳
Ogden Nash sums up the secret of a happy marriage in verse˳
“If you want your marriage to sizzle,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it,
Whenever you’re right shut up˳”
Spouses who love each other deeply and have pledged to be faithful till the end, will not compromise even on small temptations˳ They will be able to resist them˳ Mutual respect, concern for the other’s needs, and the ability to continually fall in love with each other, will keep the marriage bed inviolate˳ Of course it goes without saying that Divine help is imperative˳
“Couples who stay married develop the ability to not lose sight of the love in their relationship and to express it,” says Robert Levenson˳
Source by https://ezinearticles˳com/?Fidelity-In-Marriage&id=724087
