After I gave birth to my first daughter, Susan, the nurse wrapped her in a pink blanket and put a tiny yellow knit hat on her head˳ Stan, my husband, sat by my side˳ We were both exhausted but elated, and in that moment, everything was clear: I loved my daughter from the second I saw her, and I felt a primal desire to protect her, to give her the best life possible, to do whatever it took to help her succeed˳
But soon the questions and doubts started to creep in˳ We all want children who are happy, empowered and passionate˳ That’s what I felt the moment Susan was born, and later on when we welcomed our other two daughters, Janet and Anne˳ It’s this same wish that unites people from all different countries and cultures˳ What everyone wants to know is how to help our children live good lives — to be both happy and successful, and to use their talents to make the world a better place˳
No one seems to have a definitive answer˳ Parenting experts focus on important aspects of child rearing like sleeping, eating, bonding or discipline, but the advice they offer is mostly narrow and prescriptive˳ What we really need isn’t just limited information about the care and feeding of children, as important as that may be˳ What we most need to know is how to give our kids the values and skills to succeed as adults˳ We also have to face the massive cultural shifts that have taken place over the past few years — especially technological changes and how those changes impact our parenting˳ How will our children succeed in the age of robots and artificial intelligence? How will they thrive in the tech revolution? These anxieties are familiar to parents the world over˳
Help your kids thrive with the latest research-backed tips from TIME’s guide to parenting˳
As a young mother, I took what little guidance and advice I could find, but for the most part I decided to trust myself˳ It may have been my training as an investigative journalist or my distrust of authority that had come from my childhood, but I was determined to find out the truth on my own˳ I had my own ideas about what kids needed, and I stuck to them, no matter what other people thought˳ The result was — to many people’s eyes — idiosyncratic at best, or just plain odd˳ I spoke to my daughters as if they were adults from day one˳ Most mothers naturally turn to baby talk — a higher-pitched voice, simpler words˳ Not me˳ I trusted them and they trusted me˳ I never put them in danger but I also never stood in the way of them experiencing life or taking calculated risks˳ When we lived in Geneva, I sent Susan and Janet to the store next door to buy bread, on their own, when they were ages five and four˳ I respected their individuality from the beginning˳ My theory was that the most important years were zero to five and I was going to teach them as much as I could early on˳ What I wanted more than anything was to make them first into independent children and then into empowered, independent adults˳ I figured that if they could think on their own and make sound decisions, they could face any challenges that came their way˳ I had no idea at the time that research would validate the choices I had made˳ I was following my gut and my values, and what I saw worked in the classroom as a teacher˳
It’s rather strange to be a “famous” parent and to have your family profiled on the cover of magazines˳ I certainly don’t claim all the credit for their successes as adults, but all three have turned out to be accomplished, caring, capable people˳ Susan is the CEO of YouTube, Janet is a professor of pediatrics at the University of California-San Francisco, and Anne is the co-founder and CEO of 23andMe˳ They rose to the top of ultracompetitive, male-dominated professions, and they did so by following their passions and thinking for themselves˳ Watching my daughters navigate the world with grit and integrity has been one of the greatest rewards of my life˳ I’m especially impressed by how they compete and cooperate, focusing not on being the only woman in the room, but on finding solutions to the problems we face˳
Parents constantly ask me for advice — okay, sometimes beg for the strategies I used with my daughters that they might apply to their own parenting˳ Teachers do the same, wondering how I escaped being a disciplinarian and instead found a way to guide students who are genuinely passionate about the work they’re doing˳ Without really intending to, I found I’d started a debate about how we should be raising our kids and how to make education both relevant and useful˳ What I’m offering, and what has struck a chord with so many people across the world, is an antidote to our parenting and teaching problems, a way to fight against the anxiety, discipline problems, power struggles, peer pressure and fear of technology that cloud our judgment and harm our children˳
Through my decades of experience as a mother, grandmother and educator, I’ve identified five fundamental values that help us all become capable, successful people˳ To make it easy to remember in all walks of life, I call these values “TRICK”:
TRUST, RESPECT, INDEPENDENCE, COLLABORATION, AND KINDNESS
TRUST
We are in a crisis of trust the world over˳ Parents are afraid, and that makes our children afraid — to be who they are, to take risks, to stand up against injustice˳ Trust has to start with us˳ When we’re confident in the choices we make as parents, we can then trust our children to take important and necessary steps toward empowerment and independence˳
RESPECT
The most fundamental respect we can show our children is toward their autonomy and individuality˳ Every child has a gift, and is a gift to the world, and it’s our responsibility as parents to nurture that gift, whatever it may be˳ This is the exact opposite of telling kids who to be, what profession to pursue, what their life should look like: it’s supporting them as they identify and pursue their own goals˳
INDEPENDENCE
Independence relies upon a strong foundation of trust and respect˳ Children who learn self-control and responsibility early in life are much better equipped to face the challenges of adulthood, and also have the skills to innovate and think creatively˳ Truly independent kids are capable of coping with adversity, setbacks and boredom, all unavoidable aspects of life˳ They feel in control even when things around them are in chaos˳
COLLABORATION
Collaboration means working together as a family, in a classroom or at a workplace˳ For parents, it means encouraging children to contribute to discussions, decisions and even discipline˳ In the 20th century, when rule-following was one of the most important skills, parents were in total control˳ In the 21st century, dictating no longer works˳ We shouldn’t be telling our children what to do, but asking for their ideas and working together to find solutions˳
KINDNESS
It is strange but true that we tend to treat those who are closest to us without the kindness and consideration that we extend to strangers˳ Parents love their children, but they are so familiar with them, they often take basic kindness for granted˳ And they don’t always model kindness as a behavior for the world as a whole˳ Real kindness involves gratitude and forgiveness, service toward others and an awareness of the world outside yourself˳ It’s important to show our kids that the most exciting and rewarding thing you can do is to make someone else’s life better˳
The ultimate goal of TRICK is creating self-responsible people in a self-responsible world˳ This is what we’re doing as parents, teachers and employers — not just raising children or managing classrooms and boardrooms, but building the foundation of the future of humankind˳ We’re evolving human consciousness, and we’re doing it faster than ever before˳ You are the parent your child needs, and with your trust and respect, your child will become exactly the person they are meant to be˳
Excerpted from How to Raise Successful People: Simple Lessons for Radical Results by Esther Wojcicki to be published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt on May 6, 2019˳ Copyright © 2019˳ Used by permission˳
Contact us at letters@time˳com˳
