Series Three; Blog Three
“If you don’t know where you are going any path will get you there, except the path leading to a rabbit hole” (Anonymous)˳
Addicts are forever getting hooked with issues that lead to a rabbit hole˳ A rabbit hole in a relationship looks like an old argument never settled where either party could avoid the front end and go to the back end of the conflict, and just fight endings˳ Both know the content and are stuck with no solution, ending at the same place where they started˳ Rabbit holes always bring you back where you began with no change in position˳ Rabbit hole experiences are strange, confusing, and hard to escape˳
Motivated by guilt from past affairs, Tom, a sex addict, consented to late night questions that lead to an all too familiar fight with his partner˳ They never ended or resolved anything˳ By 3am Tom was not only exhausted but felt as guilty as he ever did before the fight began˳ This fight is repeated regularly˳ The painful pattern of going down the rabbit hole late at night is common to many addicts˳ Addicts often think going down the rabbit hole with their partner is a form of the penance they must pay because of their destructive behavior˳
Annette, who found out about her sex addict husband’s numerous one-night stands, took the bait and tried to monitor his every move with trackers, cellphone finders and all sorts of investigative techniques˳ Her goal was to keep safe from any possibility of future act outs˳ She never really felt safe in the relationship˳ She learned in disclosure that he secretly kept a separate phone and used his regular phone as a decoy to cover his tracks˳ He even parked his car in a place he announced he would be and was picked up by an affair partner for a tryst that lasted about the time he said he would be at the false location˳ Turned out her efforts for safety took her down a rabbit hole˳
How many times have partners to addicts listened to empty promises and hollow commitments that led to a rabbit hole? How can you avoid a rabbit hole in your recovery and in your relationships?
Be a spectator when invited to the race: Rabbit holes in relationships resemble a race˳ Like a race, the environment is familiar˳ The opponents know each other˳ But, unlike a race, where the goal is to declare a winner, the intent of a relationship rabbit hole is to create a game more about whiners than declaring a winner in the conversation˳ So when you find yourself entering a conversation about an old argument, choose to be a spectator and observe rather than going down the rabbit hole thinking you’ll win when ultimately it’s just a time to whine with nothing ever changed˳
Detach: Rabbit holes in relationships can be like black ice˳ Before you realize what’s happened, you have slipped and fallen into a rabbit hole, finding yourself in an old haunted conflict engaging the same old dance with the same results, exhausted with no change˳ When you realize you have fallen into a rabbit hole, catch yourself in mid-sentence and stop˳ Detach! Simply stop in your tracks˳ Take a deep breath and let go of the energy˳ Refuse to continue˳ It will be awkward but the pattern interrupt will enable you to get out of the rabbit hole˳ This tactic can be especially helpful around conflicts that are political, COVID disagreements and global warming conversations as well as crazy-making relationship fights˳
Build boundaries that don’t blow others away˳ Today, with social media, it is popular to be rude, tell people to go to hell or to shut up˳ Some people want to call this disrespect boundaries˳ Yet, boundaries are not designed to control someone else’s behavior with rude remarks˳ Boundaries are established so that you can manage your own behavior, not others’˳ A great way to avoid a relationship rabbit hole is to establish a boundary and not engage the verbal vitriol that is promised to ensue from incendiary language˳ Silence can serve as a great boundary˳ Rather than go down the rabbit hole that you have engaged countless times before, simply remain silent˳ Smile with acknowledgement or say “I hear what you are saying”˳ When someone pushes you to respond set a boundary and say no more˳ You don’t have a boundary without a consequence, not to punish but to care for self˳ When things get circular and round and round you go, simply end your part of the conversation˳ It’s a simple way to avoid or escape the rabbit hole in conversation with a partner or others who want to engage in an unhealthy way˳ Boundaries help avoid high risk addictive behavior˳ Simply not showing up to a gathering where others are likely to use or stepping away from conversations that are unhealthy can be effective˳ There is no need to blow people away with judgmental remarks or accusations˳ Further, when high risk is unavoidable, a simple “No thank you” can be effective when offered options that trigger addictive behavior˳ There are many rabbit holes in relationships that addicts must avoid˳ Tools are simple but require perseverance, practice and conditioning in order to avoid, escape and manage the many pitfalls that are present˳ In dysfunctional conversations, if you don’t manage the flow of your own energy well, every path you take will end in a rabbit hole˳
